By John Leo
If I ran the campus
I'd start out anew
I'd make a few changes
That's just what I'd do
Here's a simple suggestion
(Avoiding all fads)
I'd have some professors
Who teach undergrads
I hear you all snicker
I hear you all scoff
But I've got to believe
That many a prof
Would thrill to be meeting
A freshman or soph
TAs are beloved
They're always the rage
Because they all work
For a minimum wage
(But do students want teachers
Who are just their own age?)
Remedial classes
I'm sure is a must
For teachers who give
Only A or A-plus
They really must practice
At home, if they please,
Traumatically giving
Some Bs and some Cs
There's another idea
I can bring to fruition
I know how to cut
The cost of tuition
I really don't care
Whose waters this muddies
But I'd cancel all courses
Whose names end in "studies."
This could irritate
The fuddies and duddies
That's just a start
I'll do better than that
My curriculum changes
Will cut out the fat
No courses on Buffy
The Vampire Slayer
Or Batman and Robin
Who cares which is gayer?
No bongo or bingo
(Remember I said it)
No study of Yoda
No sex acts for credit
No Star Trek theology
No Matrix psychology
No queer musicology
I give no apology
If I ran the campus
I'd start out anew
I'd make a few changes
That's just what I'd do
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This originally appeared as part of the National Association of Scholars' "If I Ran The Zoo" series
Comments (9)
This is brilliant....I love it!
Posted by Joan Ganz Cooney | July 7, 2008 2:21 PM
Posted on July 7, 2008 14:21
WONDERFUL!!! I�VE SENT IT TO MY TWO COLLEGE AGE GRANDCHILDREN!
Posted by Polly Kraft | July 7, 2008 2:23 PM
Posted on July 7, 2008 14:23
I love it
Posted by Edward B. Burger | July 7, 2008 2:25 PM
Posted on July 7, 2008 14:25
Hats off to John! Not only is 'If I Ran the Campus' painfully
funny, as is all good satire, but he has the tone and pacing of Dr.
Seuss down pat. Seuss & Leo have a bright future.
Posted by Jim Hoge | July 7, 2008 2:27 PM
Posted on July 7, 2008 14:27
That's hilarious. Maybe it should be an op-ed in the Times.
Posted by Alan Alda | July 7, 2008 2:28 PM
Posted on July 7, 2008 14:28
Brilliant!!!! And quite gentle, considering the subject.
Posted by Stuart Taylor | July 7, 2008 2:41 PM
Posted on July 7, 2008 14:41
I'm glad to see that John Leo has lost none of his mordant humor.
Posted by Derek Bok | July 7, 2008 2:42 PM
Posted on July 7, 2008 14:42
I once tried to write something in Seuss-ian and had a new appreciation for Theodore Geisel and, now, for John Leo.
Posted by Kevin Magee | July 7, 2008 2:43 PM
Posted on July 7, 2008 14:43
Your poem made me laugh, and of course wince as well,
the reason for both I must really tell
as for TAs we have none, but we guard our "C's
hoping them rare like a social disease
Here at Ursinus, we have poets a plenty,
all of whom know terza rima
alas of which I can only dreama
John Strassburger
President
Ursinus College
Posted by John Strassburger | July 7, 2008 2:46 PM
Posted on July 7, 2008 14:46