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July 7, 2008

If I Ran The Campus

By John Leo


If I ran the campus
I'd start out anew
I'd make a few changes
That's just what I'd do

Here's a simple suggestion
(Avoiding all fads)
I'd have some professors
Who teach undergrads

I hear you all snicker
I hear you all scoff
But I've got to believe
That many a prof
Would thrill to be meeting
A freshman or soph

TAs are beloved
They're always the rage
Because they all work
For a minimum wage
(But do students want teachers
Who are just their own age?)

Remedial classes
I'm sure is a must
For teachers who give
Only A or A-plus

They really must practice
At home, if they please,
Traumatically giving
Some Bs and some Cs

There's another idea
I can bring to fruition
I know how to cut
The cost of tuition

I really don't care
Whose waters this muddies
But I'd cancel all courses
Whose names end in "studies."
This could irritate
The fuddies and duddies


That's just a start
I'll do better than that
My curriculum changes
Will cut out the fat

No courses on Buffy
The Vampire Slayer
Or Batman and Robin
Who cares which is gayer?

No bongo or bingo
(Remember I said it)
No study of Yoda
No sex acts for credit

No Star Trek theology
No Matrix psychology
No queer musicology
I give no apology

If I ran the campus
I'd start out anew
I'd make a few changes
That's just what I'd do

------------------------------------------
This originally appeared as part of the National Association of Scholars' "If I Ran The Zoo" series



Comments (9)

Joan Ganz Cooney:

This is brilliant....I love it!

Polly Kraft:

WONDERFUL!!! I�VE SENT IT TO MY TWO COLLEGE AGE GRANDCHILDREN!

Edward B. Burger:

I love it

Jim Hoge:

Hats off to John! Not only is 'If I Ran the Campus' painfully
funny, as is all good satire, but he has the tone and pacing of Dr.
Seuss down pat. Seuss & Leo have a bright future.

Alan Alda:

That's hilarious. Maybe it should be an op-ed in the Times.

Stuart Taylor:

Brilliant!!!! And quite gentle, considering the subject.

Derek Bok:

I'm glad to see that John Leo has lost none of his mordant humor.

Kevin Magee:

I once tried to write something in Seuss-ian and had a new appreciation for Theodore Geisel and, now, for John Leo.

John Strassburger:

Your poem made me laugh, and of course wince as well,
the reason for both I must really tell


as for TAs we have none, but we guard our "C's
hoping them rare like a social disease

Here at Ursinus, we have poets a plenty,
all of whom know terza rima
alas of which I can only dreama


John Strassburger
President
Ursinus College

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